The wake we leave behind us

As we (Brian M and myself) have been hosting various memorial services for Jessica (Colker), I've been struck by the magnitude and consistency of how Jess has impacted the communities in which she lived, worked, and played..

She has been repeatedly, and simultaneously, described as sometimes quiet or maybe soft, sometimes spontaneous, always authentic, apparently (to anyone who took time to pay attention) loving, and typically present - as in grounded without pretense, and therefore, available. 

People have, of course, remarked about her physical beauty, but it's been apparent that there's more there than her smile and her looks. Her beauty is more complex, sometimes expressed  as grace, sometimes expressed as her availability. She's been described both as "graceful"; and at other times as "having grace".

And I've been struck by breadth of people's expressions. People have shared about Jess all the way back to her childhood, through her college years, and her early employment positions. They have driven several hours to attend the memorials, "just because". Just because Jess has somehow touched them, such that they would do so in order to express themselves and complete their relationship with her.

Last night's group gathered in Charlottesville, VA where Jess has both lived after college, and regularly participated in 5rhythms dance programs/workshops, dance that accesses authenticity through kinetic motion - providing opportunities for accessing transformation through structural conversations.

As described on the 5rhythms web site:

Our bodies and behaviors tell the story of our social conditioning, our belief systems, and our personal experience. In movement we embody these narratives, we give them form. We also have the opportunity to deconstruct and re–imagine our identities, every time we step on the floor.

As I listened to people sharing about what Jess meant to them, or how she had impacted them, I found myself noticing her wake - the way each of these communities was touched by Jess, was impacted by her passing through, her presence among them, and the connection she brought with her into each of these communities and relationships. It was without guile and obviously prodigious

Joy

Julia Dederer has gotten me wondering about the next 30 years of my life. GEESH!

When I started the inquiry what showed up was joy. Imagine that! Thirty years of joy! Impossible you say? My first thought was, "what a stupid notion".

Well maybe. Maybe not.

I was fishing today. It was windy so it was hard to manage the boat as it was pushed around by the wind. It didn't seem like there was a lot of joy around. Then I began to execute my down-wind drift strategy which allowed me to stop struggling with the wind and get present to where the fish were (joy).

Shortly thereafter, when bringing in a nice bass, I realized I was in a state of joy. It occurred to me that there are lots of states of joy and that if I'm willing I can maybe find joy in lots of places, with lots of people, in many moments, for many years.

Until now I sort of thought there was just one kind of joy and it was only present in special occasions or with special people.

Interesting.

I looked up the words joy and enjoy to trace the derivations. Both trace back to the Latin word gaudere which translates to rejoice. So I'm thinking that joy as a noun is grounded in rejoicing (a verb). So joy as a state is grounded in an action. The action of rejoicing. That was enlightening because it made joy something other than a state in which I might find myself. It now occurs as something I bring about by generating, by rejoicing.

Physical issues

As of this writing I am 76.

Today I decided to walk 9 holes at our golf course here at Mill Creek. The temperature was forecast to be in the low 90s and I wanted to see if I could get around 9 holes without passing out.

I've recently bought a remote controlled electric (battery powered) bag cart to carry my bag as I walk the course. It's sort of like walking the dog. Sometimes the cart leads me and sometimes I lead the cart.

According to my fitbit, walking the front 9 sets me up to walk between 6 and 7 miles for the whole day. Most of that is on the golf course. I live on the 17th tee, so I begin there, walk down to the club house, play holes 1 through 9, and then walk back to my house. That circuit racks up about 11000 steps, or about 5 1/2 miles (there's a lot of distance between holes on this course, probably accounting for 25% of the circuit).

Heat has bothered me since elementary school. I don't tolerate it well and have passed out from it maybe a dozen times through the years, so I bought this cart hoping to extend my walking golf longer into the summer. Not only does the cart carry my 45 lb bag but it's also powerful enough to help pull me up the many inclines and hills on our golf course, when I hold on to the cart's handle going up hill. Surprising how much difference that makes.

Well I started on my experiment around 1:30 - temperature clocking 90. If I were pushing my old 3-wheel cart, no way would I make this circuit. During the outing, I drank two 12oz Gaterades and 24 ounces of iced tea that I took in my thermos. I also ate a nice juicy apple walking down to the first hole and an energy bar after 5 holes.

By the time I got to the 9th green I was feeling a light headed, so after finishing, I found a bench in the shade and sat (and hydrated) for about 5 minutes before making the trek back home. When I got home the thermometer registered 92. I was soaked, bushed, and feeling woozy, clearly just on the limit of what I could physically tolerate.

So while the cart is making a difference and will expand my walking season, I'm clear it won't allow me to walk throughout our typically blazing NC summers. My summer golf will be relegated to riding in a golf cart, and even that gets iffy in August and September - until the heat breaks.